Supporting a grieving friend can feel overwhelming—you want to help, but you may not always know what to say or do. While your intentions may be good, certain actions or words can unintentionally cause more harm than comfort.
The truth is, grief is deeply personal, and everyone experiences it differently. Understanding what NOT to do is just as important as knowing how to offer support.
Here are some common mistakes to avoid when helping a friend through loss.
1. Avoid Clichés That Minimize Their Pain
When someone is grieving, it’s natural to want to offer comforting words—but phrases like “Everything happens for a reason” or “They’re in a better place” can feel hollow and dismissive.
Instead of easing their pain, these statements can make them feel like their grief is being brushed aside.
What to say instead:
✅ “I’m truly sorry for your loss.”
✅ “I can’t imagine how hard this must be, but I’m here for you.”
The best thing you can do is acknowledge their pain without trying to fix it.
For more meaningful ways to express support, read How Can I Support a Friend Who Is Grieving?
2. Don’t Compare Their Grief to Yours or Others'
Everyone experiences loss differently. Saying things like “I know exactly how you feel” or comparing their grief to another person’s can make them feel like their pain is being measured or minimized.
Instead of comparing, try this:
✅ “I can’t pretend to know exactly what you’re going through, but I’m here for you.”
✅ “I’m listening if you ever want to talk about them.”
Allow them to express their emotions without inserting your own experiences unless they ask.
3. Don’t Push for Closure or “Moving On”
Grief doesn’t have an expiration date. Avoid saying things like “You need to get back to normal” or “It’s time to move on.” These can make a grieving person feel rushed, pressured, or even guilty for still feeling pain.
Instead, support them at their own pace. Grieving is not about “getting over it” but learning how to live with loss.
How to support without pushing:
✅ Check in on them long after the funeral, on birthdays, anniversaries, or tough days.
✅ Let them bring up memories and emotions without trying to redirect them.
✅ Be patient—some people take months, others take years to process their loss.
Grief isn’t something you “fix”—it’s something you walk through with them.
4. Avoid Giving Unsolicited Advice
When someone is grieving, they don’t always need solutions—they just need to be heard. Offering advice like “You should get out more” or “Try to stay positive” can feel dismissive of their emotions.
Instead of advice, offer understanding:
✅ “I know this must be incredibly hard. I’m here for you.”
✅ “Take as much time as you need—I’ll be here.”
Only offer guidance if they ask. Otherwise, simply listen.
5. Be Specific with Offers of Help
One of the most common things people say to a grieving friend is, “Let me know if you need anything.” While well-intended, this puts the burden on them to ask for help—something they may struggle to do.
Instead, be specific:
✅ “I made extra food tonight—can I bring you a meal?”
✅ “I’m heading to the store—can I pick up anything for you?”
✅ “I’m free this afternoon—can I help with anything around the house?”
Practical support can make a huge difference. Even small gestures help.
6. Don’t Force Positivity
It’s natural to want to offer hope, but sometimes, too much positivity can overshadow real emotions. Saying things like “At least they’re no longer suffering” or “Look at all you still have” may unintentionally invalidate their pain.
Instead of toxic positivity, offer space for grief:
✅ “This is so unfair, and I’m so sorry you’re going through this.”
✅ “It’s okay to feel however you’re feeling right now.”
Grief is not something to be rushed—it must be felt.
7. Avoid Making Assumptions About How They Feel
Saying things like “You’re so strong” or “You seem to be handling this well” may sound supportive, but they can also pressure someone to “perform” grief a certain way.
Grief is unpredictable. They may feel okay one moment and broken the next. Don’t assume you know how they’re feeling.
Instead of assumptions, offer open-ended support:
✅ “I’m thinking of you today. How are you feeling?”
✅ “I know grief is complicated—just know I’m always here for you.”
8. Don’t Disappear After the Funeral
One of the biggest mistakes people make? Disappearing too soon.
Many friends show up right after the loss, but then life moves on—except for the person grieving. Checking in regularly weeks and months later can mean the world.
Ways to keep supporting them over time:
- Remember important dates (anniversaries, birthdays, holidays).
- Send a simple text: “Thinking of you today.”
- Invite them for a meal, coffee, or just to sit together.
Even if they don’t respond right away, knowing someone still cares is deeply comforting.
Final Thoughts
Supporting a grieving friend isn’t about saying the perfect thing—it’s about showing up, listening, and letting them grieve in their own way.
If you’ve made any of these mistakes before, don’t worry—we all have. What matters most is staying present and showing your friend they’re not alone.
Want to learn more about offering support through grief? Read How Can I Support a Friend Who Is Grieving?.